THE FINE ART OF FAMILY DECISION-MAKING
"Our choices are made in a moment, and yet their
consequences transcend a lifetime." M. J.
DeMarco
Families come in all shapes and
sizes, from a couple to a traditional nuclear unit to a single parent with
children, to multiple generations and everything in between. Regardless of size
and structure, every family from time to time needs to make group decisions.
Some do it well and some do it poorly; some do it gracefully and some do it
with rancor and tumult. Here is a question all families should consider.
How can we improve the
quality of family decisions, and do it in a way that also improves the quality
of family relationships?
An ideal decision-making process
leads to an excellent decision AND honors each participant and the information,
insight, experience, wisdom, and inspiration they bring to the table. Two
components of a family decision-making methodology need to be considered:
- the REGARD with which we treat each member of the group; and
- the PROCESS employed to reach decisions.
To put it another way, if we employ
a PROCESS that produces objectively appropriate decisions, but during that
process the REGARD we communicate for others in the group is shallow,
artificial, condescending, disrespectful, or inconsiderate of their intrinsic
human worth and their value to the family, it will taint the effectiveness of
the decision and harm the family.
For example, if a parent makes
unilateral, authoritarian decisions without consulting family members, and
presents those decisions in such a way that the family members feel belittled,
insulted, devalued, or disregarded, they may go along with the parent's
decisions for a time, but eventually they will find ways to undermine or
disregard those decisions or to abandon the family relationship altogether.
On the other hand, if the PROCESS
we use results in poor decisions, no amount of good feelings will make up for
that. Thus, hugging and singing Kumbaya as we decide to march into a family
financial disaster will not benefit the family in the long run.
So, how should we treat those in
the group while we work on achieving the best possible family decision? How do
we communicate our REGARD for them during the decision-making process? Here are
ten recommendations.
1. We give our full attention
to each person as they speak, taking care to not interrupt them or cut them
off. We actually listen to what they're saying, instead of just preparing what
we intend to say next.
2. We consider each one's
ideas and input as valuable, as equally important as our own (and everyone
else's around the table.) We recognize that great thoughts can often come from
unlikely sources.
3. We don't rush them; we
patiently allow them as much time as they need to think through the issue and
express themselves fully.
4. We appreciate each
person in the group and what he or she brings to the discussion and to the
family overall; we express that appreciation often.
5. We encourage each
other to stretch ourselves and our thinking. We shun competition with each
other in the decision-making process.
6. We share the information
we have available to us with the whole group. We don't sabotage each other's
thinking by "hiding the ball" when we know an important fact the
others may not know.
7. We're not afraid of
expressing our emotions and we're not distressed when others share their
feelings with the group. We've come to know that sometimes, crying makes you
smarter and laughter creates breakthrough thinking.
8. We are comfortable with
differences in viewpoint, experience, and objectives. In fact, we find we think
better by having contrasting perspectives.
9. We are curious about
where others' ideas come from and where their thinking may take them next. As
they share their thoughts, we might be asking ourselves: "I wonder how he
came to see things that way? How fascinating! Where is this idea leading
her?"
10. We gather in a physical
location that is comfortable and reassuring, that expresses a positive spirit,
and that makes everyone feel welcome. It encourages them to participate fully
in the meeting.
This list, identified by Nancy
Kline as "The Ten Components of a Thinking Environment©" (see her
book More Time to Think
and her website www.TimetoThink.com)
is a fail-safe recipe for creating a supportive and uplifting setting where the
family can wrestle with important family issues, leading to each member of the
group being able to contribute their very best thoughts and insights. Just as
importantly, it develops a deep bond of love and kindness that will continue
with the family at the end of their decision-making gathering.
Having fostered an environment in
which the family can communicate the love and respect with which they REGARD
one another and in which each person can do their best thinking, next we should
consider what PROCESS the family should employ. That's the subject for the
second part of this article, in which I describe in detail what a "FAMILY
COUNCIL" looks like and how to successfully set one up. Be on the lookout
for the next Wednesday Wisdom.
* * *
(NOTE: My original working title
for this article was "The Fine Art of Group Decision-Making"
because I believe the principles discussed here are applicable to groups in
business, education, government, social clubs, and other areas of human life.
But because I believe family decision-making is both the most important and sometimes
the most difficult forum in which to use and apply these principles, I decided
to focus on that aspect of human relations rather than try to cover the broader
territory. However, I hope that won't cause readers to minimize the value and
application of this message in a wide variety of other settings.)
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