If
you believe that Family Harmony should be a planning priority (see Part 1 of
this series) and you are committed to not harming your clients’ Family Harmony
(see Part 2), then the next question you must ask yourself is this: How can I proactively improve Family Harmony
for my clients?
I
believe improving Family Harmony goes much deeper than facilitating families
holding hands and singing a few choruses of “Kumbaya.” The Thriving 3-GEN Family model employed by
SunBridge provides a catalytic framework for rich, breakthrough thinking about
how to foster Family Harmony in the planning and advisory processes.
From
the quadrants of The Thriving 3-GEN Family model, I have fashioned five ideas
in the form of questions that the advisor can pose to the family. This is best done when the advisor is acting
as a facilitator in a family council.
I
recommend that we advisors focus on questions — rather than answers — because
the smartest “experts” on the subject of Family Harmony are the family members
themselves. They know the family better
than anyone and they know what will work best for them.
As
the advisor, our job is to carefully frame the questions; create an environment
in which family members can do their own best thinking; and if necessary
provide them information about compliance and regulatory constraints. We may need to challenge them to think far
outside the boxes in which they presently find themselves.
Beyond
that, however, we need to leave the answers to them. Their answers will be far better than our
answers. And they’ll be much more likely
to implement if the results originated with them instead of us.
Please
note, this is a list of questions, not the list. Many more questions will come to your mind as
you study The Successful 3-GEN Family model and think about each client family and
their unique circumstances.
Here
are some ideas/questions to get you started:
Question #1. [The Library]: How can our family capture and communicate
family stories from all generations, to all generations?
As
human beings, we are hard-wired to communicate with stories. It is our native language. We connect with those who listen to our
stories and we cherish those whose stories we have truly heard. Through stories, we understand their world
and they understand ours. Nurturing
family stories is essential to strengthening family relationships.
There
are two sets of stories that are critical to Family Harmony: 1) stories of the
family’s past, their heritage and their history, and 2) stories of the family’s
shared, collective future. Knowing and
sharing the first provide the environment for developing the second.
Building
a family identity through shared stories of the past forms a baseline of what
it means to be a member of this family.
As we sit around the modern-day equivalent of the tribal fire, it is
essential that all members of the tribe know those stories and can pass them
along to the younger generations.
But
sharing the past, while important, is insufficient to preserve Family
Harmony. Lasting relationships exist
only among those who share a credible story of a shared future. Our lives are full of “ex’s” and “former’s”
and “used-to-be’s.” We share memories
with them but memories do not equal relationships. We may share a past with them, but if we
can’t look ahead and see our lives intertwined in a positive way, there’s no
real relationship. A shared vision of a
collective tomorrow is the sine qua non
of every meaningful family relationship today.
Perpetuating
family heritage stories and creating
shared family vision stories takes
work and attention. Given the dispersed
nature of multi-generational families today, it will probably require modern
technology to harness and hold those stories for all to hear and see. I believe such an investment is time and
money well spent.
Question #2. [The Playground]: How can our family provide opportunities for
family members to play together?
Wholesome
recreation is one of the ingredients of a thriving family. “The family that plays together, stays
together. The family that isn’t
‘working’ is the family that isn’t playing together. Playing together is an essential trait of happy,
healthy families.” Jim Burn
Every
family’s definition of playing together is different; that’s one reason the
wise advisor asks great questions and allows the family to find their own right
answers. Some families play golf; others
play Scrabble or Rummy or Risk. Some
fish or hunt; others wouldn’t be caught dead with a fishing pole or shotgun in
their hands. Some love the beach; others
would prefer to hike and camp in the mountains.
Some like to sit around and chat; others play softball or flag football
or go skiing. Certain foods are almost
always a part of most families’ recreation.
The
point is, each family decides for itself what form of recreation they
enjoy. The family council needs to
consider how the family can come together on a consistent basis and allocate
some of their “together time” to having fun.
The
family may have the means to maintain a recreational property such as a house
on the beach, a cabin in the mountains, or part of the family farm. If so, this issue needs to be discussed,
appropriate decisions taken, and these decisions implemented so that this
valuable resource can enhance Family Harmony.
But
owning a vacation property isn’t required to establish and maintain a tradition
of family gatherings and recreational get-togethers. All it takes is the will to do so and the
commitment to follow through on family fun as a priority.
Question #3. [The Wheelhouse]: How
can we encourage and sustain an attitude of entrepreneurship in all generations
of our family?
“Shirtsleeves
to shirtsleeves in three generations,” is how the proverb goes. Over time, the families that die on the vine
are those who never replicate the drive, initiative, and creativity of the
“founding” generation. Within three
generations, they wither away and are scattered to the wind.
While
this “shirtsleeves to shirtsleeve” phenomenon usually refers to the family’s
financial capital, it also applies with the same force to all forms of family
capital, whether intellectual, social, spiritual, artistic, character, etc. Regardless of the forms of “wealth” to which this
principle may be applied, resilient families encourage and sustain an attitude
of entrepreneurship in each generation of the family.
By
contrast, non-resilient families rest on the laurels or ride on the coattails
or live in the shadows of their upstream ancestor as they steadily consume the
“wealth” he or she left behind. Without
constant renewal from generation to generation, the family’s essence slowly
bleeds out.
The
questions of what attitudes and skills are necessary for members of younger
generations to leave the comforts of the nest and soar into the wild blue yonder
of growth and new opportunity, and how those attitudes and skills can be
fostered in each new generation, is a subject worthy of each family’s best
thinking. Finding the answers that work
for each family will be the
lifeblood that sustains it and builds Family Harmony from one generation to the
next.
Question #4. [The Storehouse]: How
can we use our resources to foster self-reliance among family members?
Robert
D. Hales defined self-reliance as “preparing for the ups and downs of life,” to
which I would add, “without an unhealthy dependence on someone else’s (in this
case the family’s) money.” Self-reliance
means developing the internal capacity to produce the necessities of life, the ingenuity
to find alternative solutions to life’s inevitable challenges, and the maturity
to recognize that very often, “less” is in fact “more.”
Some
would argue that self-reliance is antithetical to Family Harmony, that too much
independence gets in the way of harmonious relationships. I say that self-reliance is a precursor to
Family Harmony, that only self-reliant family members can build mutually
supportive and lasting relationships. In
the words of Stephen R. Covey, “interdependence is a decision only independent
people can make.”
The
opposite of self-reliance is dependency and an attitude of entitlement. Self-reliance fosters a sense of abundance,
while dependency and entitlement foster a sense of scarcity. A scarcity mindset disrupts Family Harmony,
as family members jockey for and squabble over their slice of a finite pie,
worried that someone else might get what is “rightfully mine.”
Self-reliance
coupled with an abundance mindset beget optimism, resourcefulness, and
generosity. If any family can develop
those five attributes, they will discover that Family Harmony is a piece of
cake.
Question #5. [The Academy]: Is there a meaningful cause that all of us can
support? How can we use all our wealth
(not just our money) to make a difference?
Family philanthropy is a wonderful tool
for teaching a wide range of important life skills. As teenagers and young adults are challenged to make thoughtful
gifts, they organically acquire important tools for thriving in today’s
world. Some of these include:
- Financial Literacy
- Written and Oral Communication Skills
- Confidence and Self Esteem
- Community Awareness
- Interpersonal Trust and Communication
- Identification of Personal Values &
Purpose
- Group Collaboration
- Group Decision-making
- Volunteerism
- Gratitude
- Creative Fund-raising
- Understanding the Tax System
- Investigation & Evaluation of
Organizations
The
key to a successful family philanthropic experience is to engage the younger
generation’s interest from the start. From
my experience working with client families of all sizes and types, and with
teenagers in Main Street Philanthropy, I have learned that today’s youth and
young adults can get very excited about family philanthropy IF they are allowed to
participate fully in the decision of what causes to support. The only time this process hasn’t worked was
when one of the parents or grandparents insisted on having his or her own way.
I
use a set of Make a Difference flash cards to put a large number of possible
charitable causes on the table and to kindle a robust family discussion. Once the discussion has been started, it’s important
that everyone’s voice is heard and everyone’s vote is counted, and then that
everyone rally around the chosen mission.
The
quality of the family’s philanthropic experience depends less on the number of
dollars given away, and much more on how many different forms of non-financial
wealth the family chooses to employ — along with their money — to leverage
their gift.
When
time, talent, connections, creativity, and other resources are thrown into the
mix, family members learn how they can truly make a difference. They learn that the capacity to spark change
is not limited by the size of the family’s balance sheet. They discover that their human capital is
ultimately more valuable than those assets that are measured in dollars and
cents.
* * * * *
As
you can see, when I talk about Family Harmony, I am not thinking about
civility, “getting along,” or even friendship. That’s way too shallow. I’m
talking about bone-deep connection on a rock-solid foundation of love, integrity,
and character.
This
is far grander work than merely avoiding shoving and shouting at annual family
meetings. This is the opportunity to
touch hearts, connect families, and change lives. It doesn’t get any better than that!
Now
that I’ve shared with you five of my ideas/questions based on The Thriving 3-GEN Family model, what additional ideas/questions can you think of?
