Wednesday Wisdom: Lessons from the Hurricanes, Dorian 2019 - The Transition from Help-er to Help-ee

LESSONS FROM THE HURRICANES

Dorian, 2019:  The Transition from Help-er to Help-ee

"We all wish to reach a ripe old age, but none of us are prepared to admit that we are already there."   Francisco de Quevedo  

  

   

   

Central Florida dodged a big bullet recently with Hurricane Dorian. The picture above shows one of the earlier tracks projecting the storm would come right over the top of Orlando. Forecasts like that got our attention in a hurry!

Hurricane preparation can sometimes be quirky. When you get word that you're a likely target, it's important to start the hunkering-down process right away. If you've never lived in a hurricane zone, here are the key points.

One of the most important steps is to move everything from porches, patios, and outside the house into the garage - or even into the house itself - in order to prevent your outdoor furnishings from becoming deadly missiles in the storm. I had to chuckle at this photo of one Florida resident's kitchen. I can imagine a Smart Car being tossed around by heavy hurricane winds, like a left-over lawn chair. At times like this, I'm glad I drive a GMC Yukon.

   

The next step is to board up windows and doors to keep wind and rain from penetrating the house. Then you need to deploy sandbags to keep water out in case of local flooding.  

The fourth step is one of the most important: gather a bunch of bottled water and a heaping supply of non-perishable food in case the electricity goes out for several days. It's especially vital to have lots of "hurricane snacks." That's Florida-talk for junk food, chosen to help you feel better while you're trapped in the house when the winds blow and the rain comes sideways.

This time, we lucked out and the storm missed us, meaning that most of our preparations weren't needed after all. The northern Bahamas, unfortunately, weren't so lucky. The storm that was supposed to hit us head-on instead chewed up the Bahamas and then turned right, striking Florida with only a glancing blow. Below is a satellite image showing what eventually happened.

 

Over the years I've learned that hurricane preparation is never wasted, even if the storm turns away. It's good training for the next one, which may be the big one. In addition, the preparation process itself creates a more vigilant and neighborly neighborhood, as we turn our concerns to those around us who may need help getting ready.  

However, this time something unusual and unexpected happened at the Farnsworth house during hurricane preparation, something I'm not sure I was ready to acknowledge. This time, I passed a coming-of-age milestone.

In the 21 years since we moved to Central Florida, I've always secured my own residence at hurricane prep time and then gone in search of neighbors, friends, and fellow parishioners who needed help getting ready. That's not being a hero; that's just what one does in advance of a hurricane. But this time, before I could even do so much as buy a few cases of bottled water, I had swarms of neighbors, friends, and folks from church knocking on our door or sending us texts or meeting us at the sandbag-filling station and offering to help us get ready.

I might have been offended. What, do I really look that old? Is my hair really almost white? Is it because I push Marcie in a wheelchair whenever we go out? Are we now "the senior couple down the street," the ones who need help?

The truth is, it didn't take me long to swallow my pride and recognize that, yes indeed, we could use some help this time around. Those sandbags and that patio furniture had somehow gotten a lot heavier since the last big storm. Marcie's bottle trees and flower pots on the lanai had become much harder to move inside. She was no longer able to help me move tables, and my back was starting to give out. The sheets of plywood to cover the front door were now nearly impossible to move by myself.

So I said "yes" to their thoughtful offers of assistance, and I'm so glad I did. Marcie and I - and my suddenly-older back - say thanks to all of you who lent a hand with filling sandbags and loading them in my car. We're so grateful to those who came over and helped move all the outside stuff inside, and assisted with the plywood. Chris, Amber, Joseph, Callum, Sarah, Karin, Norah, and Evan, you were a God-sent blessing, and I am moved to tears to think about your kindness and generosity.  

Looking back at the last 21 years in Central Florida, when we regularly helped friends and neighbors get their homes ready for hurricanes, and then after the storms when we assisted strangers to clean up the debris and destruction, sometimes in distant locations, we had no other motive except to be kind and neighborly. But what a sweet discovery to learn personally that, with the passage of time, what goes around does indeed come around. This time, we were the beneficiaries of loving attention and tender mercy.

Now, with added perspective on the cycle of giving and receiving, I am coming to understand that sometimes it is our season to give and at other times, it is our turn to receive. With advancing age and reduced physical strength, I am deeply touched to be surrounded by kind and loving friends who will come to our aid just as we had come to others' assistance all those years.

It is humbling - but sweet - to experience first-hand the transition from giver to receiver, from help-er to help-ee. This was the most important lesson I learned from Hurricane Dorian.

WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Lessons from the Hurricanes - Katrina, 2005

LESSONS FROM THE HURRICANES - Katrina, 2005

"Hard times are often blessings in disguise. This is an important lesson to remember when you're having a rough day, a bad month or a crappy year. Truth be told, sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your spirit needs the most. So take all the crazy experiences and lessons and place them in a box labeled 'thank you.'" ~ Author Unknown

            

   

 

Why is it that some people are hardened by hard times and others become softer?  

I have on a few occasions listened to two people who have survived a common traumatic episode. One of them may say, "Oh, what a terrible experience! My life will never be the same. It has ruined everything." The other, having experienced the very same event, may say, "Yes, it was terrible, but just look how blessed I am to have come out of it alive and how much I learned in the process."  

I observed this phenomenon firsthand when I went to Biloxi, Mississippi, in September of 2005, just three weeks after Hurricane Katrina decimated the area. While New Orleans received most of the media attention, the actual storm damage was far, far worse on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, where whole towns disappeared in the winds and storm surge.

I was one of several hundred men from our church who rode charter buses all night from Orlando to Biloxi to help clean up the devastation following Hurricane Katrina. Our group was sent to a poor area in East Biloxi about a mile from the ocean. In this area, the modest houses were still standing, but the water had flooded into them up to their attics. Everything inside that was not destroyed by the storm surge was ruined by the heat and humidity, because they had been barricaded off and closed up during the three weeks since the hurricane.

Because I have no particularly useful handy-man skills, I was assigned to one of the so-called "muck-out crews." Our job was to carry everything from the flooded houses and pile the whole moldy mess into giant mounds near the street where it could be hauled away. Then we would rip out the water-logged cabinets and the soggy sheet rock, exposing the studs with the hope that eventually they would dry out and the owners could rebuild.  

It was heart-breaking to see people who had so little to start with, lose literally everything they owned in the world. Many we met in the neighborhood were understandably depressed, dejected, and angry because of their suffering and misfortune.  

One of the families we helped was an older black couple. Their house was a bit larger than others in the area, but they too had lost everything. Although their experience during the storm and in the aftermath was equally as harrowing and tragic as their neighbors, their attitudes were completely different.

As we worked to put all their ruined possessions on the street, the husband opened up and told me what had happened. He said they had built their house a year or so after Hurricane Camille devastated the Mississippi Gulf Coast in 1969.   They had designed their house to stand at least a foot higher than the high-water mark for Camille, and thus they assumed they would be safe at home when Katrina hit. Unfortunately, the water quickly rose past the high-water mark for Camille and began to flood their house. When the water was waist deep in the house, they decided they'd better get out.  

Neither one of the couple could swim, but their adult daughter who was with them was a strong swimmer. She went outside in the thick of the storm and, as luck would have it, found a small boat being blown down the street. She was able to retrieve it and bring it back to the porch. She helped her parents and their dog get into the boat. They then set off for a relative's two-story house a few blocks away. The winds and rain were fierce, and it was difficult for them to control the boat. They saw a woman they recognized clinging to a lamppost, but they were unable to get to her. They never saw her again.

With hard work and fervent prayer, they managed to make it to their relative's house. By the time they got there, the water was already above the windows of the first floor. Their daughter jumped out of the boat, broke out one of the first-floor windows, swam up inside the house, and found the stairwell. She went to a second-floor window, and pulled her parents in through that window. They rode out the storm in the second floor of the relative's house.

Leaving their house turned out to be a smart decision because the water ended up rising above the level of the ceiling. In a nearby house, a large family tried to stay in their house by wearing life jackets. Unfortunately, when the water rose past the level of the ceiling, they were pinned between the water and the ceiling and all were drowned.

Like everyone in the neighborhood, this courageous family lost everything they owned. Our crew of two dozen men spent more than a day hauling their possessions and piling them on the street and then stripping out the waterlogged sheet rock. But unlike their neighbors, who were bitter and miserable, they were thankful for our help and intensely grateful for what they saw as God's grace in helping them survive the storm. They said, "Yes we did lose everything, but we still have our lives. That's what matters most of all. God spared us and we can start again."  

In moments like these, I recall an old Yiddish proverb. "If you cannot be grateful for what you have received, then be thankful for what you have been spared."

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                          Nick Vujicic with his wife, Kanae, and their four children.



"Often people ask how I manage to be happy despite having no arms and no legs. The quick answer is that I have a choice. I can be angry about not having limbs, or I can be grateful that I have a purpose. I chose gratitude." ~ Nick Vujicic

Wednesday Wisdom: The Fine Art of Family Decision-Making, Part Two

THE FINE ART OF FAMILY DECISION-MAKING,

Part Two

Successful families have a wide assortment of tools available to them, and one of the most useful tools is the family council.   

M. Russell Ballard 

    

    

This is the second half of a two-part article focused on this important question:

How can we improve the quality of family decisions, and do it in a way that also improves the quality of family relationships?

In the first half of this article, I stated that in order to properly address this question, we need to consider two important components of a family's decision-making methodology, namely:

1. the REGARD with which they treat each member of the group; and
2. the PROCESS employed to reach decisions.

I outlined a model for fostering an environment in which the family can communicate the love and respect with which they REGARD one another and in which each person can do their best thinking. This is accomplished by understanding and implementing Time to Think's "Ten Components of a Thinking Environment." If you missed Part One or just want to review it, here is a link:  

https://scottfarnsworthsunbridge.blogspot.com/201 

  

In the second half of this article, my focus is on a council, which is the PROCESS that families (and other groups) can employ to reach excellent group decisions.  

What does a Council look like?  

A Council is a relatively simple approach to group decision-making, but there are a few guidelines that will make it flow smoothly. While this outline may feel rather prescriptive, flexibility is a key ingredient to a successful Council.  

1. Participants are seated comfortably around the room or around a table, so that everyone can see everyone else.

2. The essential ingredients of a Council are a question, a series of rounds, and generous attention.

3. All participants agree to give undivided attention to the one speaking, taking care not to interrupt them or cut them off. In return for receiving uninterrupted attention, the one speaking agrees not to take too long.

4. A Council is a series of rounds. A "round" is where people speak in turn, going around the circle, allowing each to speak or to pass. The direction of each round in the series may alternate, going clockwise, then counter-clockwise, then clockwise again.

5. By using a series of rounds, everyone has an equal opportunity to address the topic, to express their observations, thoughts, concerns, feelings, and experiences, and to share any information available to them.

6. Before we start the Council, we determine how we will come to a decision at the end of the Council. It may be by majority vote, by consensus, or by the decision of the parents or leaders. Fortunately, the Council format tends to move the group toward a decision that's acceptable to all.

7. The initial round is usually a "positive round," which is round initiated by posing a gentle question that invites participants to share a positive observation. The question may be something like "What's something you admire or appreciate about our family?" or "What's been going well for you lately?" or "What are you enjoying about this summer?" Once the opening question is posed, the leader asks who wants to go first and indicates whether the round will go around to the left or to the right.

8. In a Council, we address a question that serves to focus our attention on the issue at hand. Because the human mind thinks best in the presence of a question, the question draws the best ideas from each person in the group. The question could be something like "Where shall we go on vacation next summer?" or "How can we have more cooperation in cleaning the house and keeping it clean?" or "What guidelines shall we establish for cell phone usage as the children become teenagers?"

 

9. The leader of the Council usually brings the initial question to the group, along with sufficient background information to help put the question into context. If needed, participants may ask for clarifying information about the question. Based on clarification, the question may be polished, refined, or restated.

10. Once the principal question is clarified, the leader asks for a volunteer to speak first and indicates whether the round will move to the left or to the right after the first person has spoken.

11. By focusing on answering the question; we avoid wandering off into random topics.

12. Parents and other strong leaders may need to be careful that they do not overwhelm the discussion or inadvertently hijack the direction of the conversation. Make sure younger or less forceful participants feel comfortable expressing themselves.

13. After a few rounds, we may open the floor to a general discussion, before going back to additional rounds. Just as in a round, during a discussion we pay attention to the one speaking and we don't interrupt them or cut them off.

14. After a few rounds, we may recognize the need to refine or updated the question.

15. As we near the end of the Council, the leader may summarize what was discussed and may verbalize a tentative conclusion, and then invite a comment round.

16. In my experience, this PROCESS often results in a harmonious decision because participants feel they understand the issue more fully and they have been heard.   Many times, the group's decision is obvious and unanimous. If it is not, the agreed-upon decision-making method (i.e., majority vote, leader decides) can be followed, or the group may agree to table the decision and get back together later, perhaps after seeking additional information that was not available during this meeting.

17. Before the closing round, the group should discuss what next steps are needed after the meeting. Follow-up assignments may be made and a plan of accountability may be implemented.

18. At the end of the Council, we do a closing positive round using a question like, "What do you think went well in our meeting today?" or "Going forward, what positive outcomes do you see that might result from our discussion?"

This seemingly simple PROCESS can pay huge dividends in helping families and other groups make better decisions and improve the quality of their relationships.  

By making each person around the circle an active and involved participant, this approach helps to glean wisdom from sometimes unlikely sources. It also encourages buy-in from each person and increases the likelihood they will work together after the meeting to solve the issue.

A Simple Example

Many years ago, I read the following story in a magazine about a family who used a family council to tackle a difficult challenge. It illustrates how a council works and what can be accomplished with this process.  

When I was in my early years of high school, we had some financial problems. We suffered a year of severe drought followed by two or three more dry years. Our crops were a total failure. At this same time, many of our crops were infested with new insects. All the farms in the area were affected, and many other farmers were having difficulties. Mortgage payments that had not been met the previous years mounted and some farmers lost their homes.

As children we knew that we were experiencing financial problems, but we did not realize the extent or the seriousness of them.

One evening in the spring, my father and mother called the family together for a family council. We sensed the seriousness of it immediately. We gathered in our front room, and Father took charge. Calling the family to attention, he said that we were meeting about a very serious matter and asked Mother to open with prayer. He then told us of our financial difficulties.

Father further explained how our income could not possibly meet our needs. Before the family council meeting, our parents had met with the banker who held the mortgage on our home and had worked out a plan whereby our home could be saved from foreclosure. We would have to pay the interest payment each month from our monthly milk checks until fall and then make a larger payment when we harvested and sold our cash crop in November.

Mother and Father presented two options to us as a family. First, we could let the bank take over our home, find some place to live, and continue to run the farm. Second, we could meet these monthly interest obligations with nothing left over for other family expenses. Through the summer we could not buy clothing, we could spend no money on recreation and almost nothing on gas for the car; in fact, it would be difficult to get food staples needed to supplement our garden produce. Since the payment in the fall would leave us again with no extra money, we would have to continue this tight economy for at least a year, maybe more.

After presenting our problem, Father asked each of us to express our thoughts. He wanted us to be part of the decision making. Each of us in our turn answered that we would like to save our home, and we all pledged ourselves to sacrifice our wants; even the smallest children said they would not ask for anything that was not absolutely necessary. Mother and Father said that they wanted the same thing that we wanted, and with tears in their eyes thanked us for being such good, cooperative children, and also thanked us for the hard work that we had done on the farm.

After the decision was made, we all knelt together and Father said a prayer. He thanked the Lord for our many blessings and asked His help in carrying out the plans we had made that evening. We felt that the Lord would indeed help us if we would do our part. That night our love for each other was surpassed only by our love for our Heavenly Father. I had a lump in my throat that would not go away as I prayed fervently for help in carrying out my part in the plans that we had set.

In the following years and through the Great Depression, as we struggled to get an education, to serve our church, to maintain our ideals and our standard of living, I had many occasions to reflect upon that family council and the tremendous impact for good that it had upon me. I accepted the difficult times with the assurance that our entire family was working together toward a common goal-and we were succeeding. Thora B. Watson, The Meeting That Saved Our Home, Ensign Magazine, February 1985.

 

Over the years and in a variety of professional, church, and family settings, I have found the Council to be a wonderful process for making group decisions regarding difficult issues, and for strengthening the relationships within the group. As I mentioned in the previous Wednesday Wisdom, I believe the principles discussed here are applicable to groups in business, education, government, social clubs, churches, and other areas of human life, and especially in family decision-making.

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"Successful families have a wide assortment of tools available to them, and one of the most useful tools is the family council. In a family council we talk about the needs of the family and the needs of individual members of the family. It is a time to solve problems, make family decisions, and plan day-to-day and long-range family activities and goals. It is a time to share one another's burdens and joys and to counsel together." M. Russell Ballard