Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Wednesday Wisdom: Yes, We DO Have Seasons In Central Florida


YES, WE DO HAVE SEASONS IN CENTRAL FLORIDA


"The space center's proximity to my backyard came to signify an intersection between heaven and hell. Florida was somewhere between the two. Alligators emerged from brackish water. Mosquitoes patrolled the atmosphere at eye level. We shared an ocean with sharks and dolphins. There were no seasons, only variations of humidity." Paul Kwiatkowski 
    

         
   
 
I beg to differ with Paul Kwiatkowski, the author quoted above. We DO have seasons in Central Florida; they're just different from the seasons experienced by folks Up North.

Up North, seasons are determined by the temperature: Hot = Summer. Cold = Winter. Warming = Spring. Cooling = Fall. If maintaining four completely different wardrobes to make it through the year is what floats your boat, you're welcome to northern seasons.

Our seasons in Central Florida are far more interesting and far more numerous.
Let's start with the BIG KAHUNA - Hurricane Season!!!!! Even though the National Weather Service says hurricane seasons lasts from June 1 to November 30, the truth is it's actually much shorter for us: from about the middle of August to about the end of September. Occasionally we'll get an outlier but those six or seven weeks are when nearly all of our hurricanes happen.  

Hurricane Season really counts only when there's something tropical out in the Caribbean or the Gulf of Mexico. If those spaghetti strand forecasts show we're within the "cone of uncertainty," we're on high alert. We live with one eye on the television, coming to know our weather forecasters on a first-name basis. We actually only get hit about once a decade in these parts, but just the threat of a storm can dominate life in Central Florida, as we learned recently with Hurricane Dorian.

Just about the time we can breathe a sigh of relief because Hurricane Season is winding down, we start having Halloween Scary Theme Parks Season at all the attractions in the area. Halloween Scary Theme Parks Season runs from mid-August through early November. During that time the billboards and local television channels are overwhelmed with ads.  

Every park family has one, and they range in fright intensity based on the culture of the park. Most scary is Universal, followed closely by Busch Gardens over in Tampa. If you want seriously, blood-curdlingly frightening, try Universal's Halloween Horror Nights or Busch Gardens' Howl-O-Scream. They're definitely for grown-ups. On the other hand, Disney World and Legoland offer Mickey's Not-So-Scary Halloween Party and Brick-or-Treat scaled-down versions for the youngsters. Sea World's scare level at Halloween Spooktacular lands somewhere in between. By the time Halloween actually comes, we're soooo over all the ghouls and goblins stuff.  

But theme-park fake blood and guts can't come close to the real-life horror of Love Bug Season. I'm talking bumpers, grills, and headlights that look black and furry from all the wings stuck there, coupled with translucent, bloody windshields from the swarms of splatted bugs. The love bug is also known as the honeymoon fly or double-headed bug. During and after mating, mature pairs remain stuck together, even in flight, for up to several days.     


 

As with other love-crazed species including humans, these amorous duos can't control themselves. As a result, they can't fly out of the way of oncoming traffic and end up plastered to the front of your car. Standard car washing can't get rid of them; it requires solvent and a lot of scrubbing. Judging from the long, long lines at every car wash in town, I'm sure car wash owners consider Love Bug Season their "high season." And worst of all, we have TWO Love Bug Seasons in Central Florida, roughly corresponding to Up North's spring and fall.

Speaking of fall, "How can you tell it's fall in Florida? When the color of license plates begins to change." That's when we know it's Snow Bird Arrival Season. If you thought the year-round residents in these parts are hard to deal with, wait until they're intermixed with these strange avian migratory creatures from Up North. They often bring their snarly temperaments, aggressive driving patterns, and overall impatience with them. The rest of us soon tire of their bragging about how much better things are "Up North" or "Back Home," making it hard to not blurt out something like, "If it's so great where you came from, why don't you just turn around and go back?"   


 


Mostly, though, we just grit our teeth and wait for the season to turn, with the arrival of Snow Bird Departure Season, usually roughly around Easter. With the "Great Northward Migration" which marks the beginning of Snow Bird Departure Season, life can start getting back to the normal laid-back, take-it-easy, flip-flop-wearing vibe that brought us to Florida in the first place.  

During the period of Snow Bird Inundation, we experience a similar but shorter seasonal event marked by an influx of younger migratory revelers: Spring Break Season. Whereas Snow Birds tend to be gray and wrinkled and thin-feathered, Spring Breakers tend to be blonde and smooth and well-plummaged. They're frequently spotted in various stages of undress near the beaches and crowded into cheap hotels' pools and anywhere lots of liquor is available. They are known to couple-up as frequently as love bugs during Love Bug Season. In recent years, Spring Break Season has diminished in importance in Central Florida as more and more Spring Breakers flock to Cancun, the Bahamas, and other watering holes.

One of the most important seasons in Central Florida is Super Tourist Season, which runs roughly from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Yes, we have tourists all year long, but Super Tourists become as thick as mosquitoes once school lets out near the end of May. Super Tourist Season is when we normally spot whole families invading the area. They're "Super Tourists" because they somehow endure the gruesome heat and humidity of June, July, and August.

Super Tourists are usually especially keen to get their money's worth at the theme parks. By late afternoon, they can be seen dragging their cranky children from attraction to attraction, hell-bent on maximizing their entrance fee. Their youngsters have long since had their fill of theme-park "fun" and just want to go back to the hotel for a nap or a dip in the pool.  

Here's a quick video that sums up every parent's worst fears about spending a week at "the happiest place on earth:"  https://www.today.com/parents/comedian-john-crist-nails-every-parent-s-frustration-disney-world-t135506  
  
By the end of their week in paradise, Super Tourist families are delighted to get back to the real world. If you're at the Orlando International Airport on Saturday or Sunday during Super Tourist Season, you can spot them coming and going. Those arriving are pale-faced and wide-eyed with anticipation, enthralled just to ride the shuttles in the airport. Those leaving are tired, sunburned, and bedecked with Mickey Mouse ears, princess outfits, light sabers, or Harry Potter t-shirts, while the parents are wondering if all the money they spent on family togetherness was really worth it. On our part, we hope they keep coming because those tourist dollars help keep our taxes low and pay for our many toll roads.

There are other seasons I could mention, but I'm sure by now you get the point. YES, we do have seasons in Central Florida, just not the same-old-same-old spring, summer, fall, winter seasons they have Up North. And YES, sometimes the humidity here is oppressive, but at least we never have to shovel it.