WEDNESDAY WISDOM: The Natural Look

THE NATURAL LOOK 

    

"It's nice to just embrace the natural beauty within you."  Victoria Justice 

  

I have a middle-aged friend who is struggling with the fact that over the course of several weeks of corona virus lockdown, her "true colors" are showing up and taking over. The truth is that since her late teenage years, she's been turning silver, but she's covered it up with twice-monthly visits to the beauty parlor.

Now that she's already got several inches of gray coming through, she's decided to come to terms with her real age and wear her "grown-up hair." But she doesn't want to go around for weeks with two-toned hair as her natural color grows out. Fortunately, her hairdresser is helping her manage the transition with some excellent interim coloration.

She does worry, however, that as a "newly-older" person, some opportunities will no longer be open to her. But she feels that being more authentic about who she really is has become increasingly important. And she knows that those who truly love her won't stop loving her because of the color of her hair.

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Here's a fun and light-hearted look at this issue, the terrible quandary that's confronting many of us as we emerge from long weeks of isolation. (My apologies to Cyndi Lauper.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DI6BUwxMkaw

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Carly, the woman who cuts my hair, is in her early 40s and has striking silver hair. Since she works in a full-service salon, I long assumed that she colored it. One day I asked her who did her hair.

"No one," she answered. "I went completely gray very early and this has been my natural color since my teens and 20s. For a very long time I dyed it because I thought I was way too young to have gray hair. It was a pain trying to control my roots, but I gave in to vanity for years and years, trying to aspire to what I imagined others' definition of beauty was.

"But one day, I just said 'enough' and let it go gray. It took many weeks of having two-toned hair, then short hair after I chopped off the previously dyed part, but it finally got there. Since then I've come to love the real me. And it sure has eliminated a lot of extra work in my life."

Now, many who see her eye-catching hair believe it is one of her finest features. But she says that the internal transformation that took place for her when she decided to be true to her authentic self was far more significant than her change in hair color. To me, the resulting glow and confidence in her eyes and her countenance are at least as stunning as her hair. 

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So why are so many of us so critical of our natural look? Why do we run away or try to hide from our real selves? Is it vanity? Are we concerned about being judged for what we or others might consider physical blemishes? Looking different can affect our self-esteem. Is it fear of ageism? Without a doubt there is serious discrimination against older people, especially in the job market.

But hopefully, all this extra time we've had for self-reflection during the coronavirus shutdown has helped us recognize that who we really are, both inside and out, is enough. No doubt the transition can be difficult, but being ourselves is what really counts.

Critics will still be critics, but we ourselves should not be among that number. Those whose opinions truly matter will love us anyway. They will admire us not for the quality of our dye job (once we finally get back to our stylist) but for our courage, our authenticity, and our power to focus on matters more significant than external appearances.

I say, be yourself, knowing that the real you is more than enough.

WEDNESDAY WISDOM: A Dollar a Day and Your Dinner

A DOLLAR A DAY AND YOUR DINNER   

"The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated."  William James  

 

  

 

Alfalfa hay was one of the principle crops in the area where I grew up in Fruitland, New Mexico. Harvesting it was very labor intensive. After it was cut, dried, and windrowed, it was baled into 70- to 80-pound bales. Those bales had to be picked up by hand from the field and loaded onto a trailer, then stacked in a barn or near the corrals for feeding. "Hauling hay" or "bucking bales" was hot and dusty, and required lots of back-breaking lifting.

On our farm, after we finished hauling our own hay, the older teenager boys were permitted to hire out to buck bales for neighboring farmers, something our father had done in his day. When he was a young man, he related, the going wage for this work was "a dollar a day and your dinner." "Dinner" meant the noon-day meal. Dad observed that, since every farmer paid the same dollar per day, the one whose wife cared enough to cook the best meal for "the help" got the best hired hands.

By the time I was old enough to haul hay for pay, inflation had boosted the rate to "a dollar an hour and your dinner." But the age-old tenant was still true: because everyone paid the same, the best workers gravitated to the farmer whose wife treated those hired hands the best. For me, that meant if "Hop" Wheeler, the dairy farmer down the road a mile or so, needed a day laborer, I wanted to work for him because no one took better care of the hay hauling crew than Bessie Wheeler. Bessie's table told us loud and clear that the Wheeler family appreciated the work we were doing for them.

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I encountered a modern application of this principle a few days ago.

I received a delightful birthday phone call from Sharon Greenway, a lovely lady who worked for me a few years ago. After birthday greetings and catching up on the news for both our families, she said she called to thank me for creating a work environment where she received something she seldom experienced in other jobs, but which was actually more precious than the paycheck: when she worked for me at SunBridge, she felt appreciated.

In our little company we were very purposeful about noticing each other's strengths and expressing our gratitude for what each team member brought to the group. Sharon said she thinks about that often and compares the positive atmosphere at SunBridge to that of other places where she has worked. It is something she dearly misses.

I reminded her that the concept didn't originate with me; it was a lesson I learned from my friend Nancy Kline, a fellow New Mexican who now lives in Oxfordshire, England. Nancy has identified Appreciation, the act of expressing admiration or gratitude to the people around us, as one of the Ten Components of a Thinking Environment. 

I'm grateful to Nancy, author of Time to Think and More Time to Think, for teaching me a simple yet powerful pattern for telling friends, family members, colleagues, or employees what I admire or appreciate about them. She calls it "The Three S's."

Be Succinct: Don't go on and on, just say in a sentence or two a quality or character trait of theirs you like.

Be Sincere: Speak from the heart; be honest and real and don't try to overdo it.

Be Specific: Vague generalities like "you're such a nice person" don't carry any weight. Say precisely what you admire about them.

Pro football coach Bill Walsh said it this way: "Nothing is more effective than sincere, accurate praise, and nothing is more lame than a cookie-cutter compliment."

Giving gratitude by expressing sincere appreciation is one of the sweetest ways I know to lift with the same motion two lives - mine and the person I appreciate. What an efficient way to make the world a better place. What a brilliant way to create a rising tide that lifts all boats.

And what a couple of smart and caring New Mexico women you are, Bessie Wheeler and Nancy Kline!

WEDNESDAY WISDOM: Sixty-Seven is Gone - Another Soundtrack-of-My-Life Milestone

SIXTY-SEVEN IS GONE:  Another Soundtrack-of-My-Life Milestone    

 

"When you only got a hundred years to live

Half time goes by

Suddenly you're wise

Another blink of an eye

Sixty-seven is gone

The sun is getting high

We're moving on." 

Five for Fighting

"100 Years" Music Video

 

Four years ago, I achieved a major musical milestone. Given that the Beatles sang and composed much of the musical soundtrack of my younger life, it was a BIG DEAL when I reached the age of 64, and lo and behold, I was flat-out living their song, "When I'm Sixty-Four."

Here's what I wrote in a Wednesday Wisdom back in 2016 when I turned 64:

At my age, life is like a set of playing cards. I still have a full deck; I just shuffle slower now. Nearly 50 years ago, I sang along with the Beatles (and chuckled smugly to myself, certain that those days were eons away):

"When I get older losing my hair,

Many years from now

Will you still be sending me a Valentine

Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?

If I'd been out till quarter to three

Would you lock the door?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me

When I'm sixty-four?"

This week - on Saturday to be precise - I actually arrive at the age 64 milestone. My, how time flies! Here I am, living the words of the song and still asking those questions:

"Doing the garden, digging the weeds,

Who could ask for more?

Will you still need me, will you still feed me,

When I'm sixty-four?"

I'm happy to report that I'm "doing the garden" and "digging the weeds," in my back yard grow box and producing some beautiful vegetables. No, I haven't "been out to quarter to three" lately; I need my rest. But yes, Marcie, my sweetheart of 41 years, still needs me and still feeds me and still wants to be "mine for evermore." Who could ask for more?

Fast forward to 2020, and this week I find myself turning 68 years old.  Here I am again in the midst of the lyrics of another soundtrack-of-my-life song, "100 Years," by Five for Fighting.

By the time that composition was written in 2003, I was long past many of the milestone ages he identified in the song - 15, 22, 33, and 45 - and I had just made it past "half-time" (50). I'm not so sure that at half-time I was "suddenly wise," but I can certify that in "Another blink of an eye Sixty-Seven is gone" because TOMORROW, Thursday, May 14, 2020, I turn 68 and hence, for me, 67 will indeed be GONE! Who knew it would all flash by so quickly?

Looking ahead from here, Mr. Five for Fighting says, "The sun is getting high, we're moving on" to the inevitable 99 and then 100 years, because "You only got a hundred years to live."

If the next several years race by as rapidly as the last few have, those fateful and terminal ages will get here lickety-split, before I even know it.

To be honest, I've never aspired to be 99 or 100 years old. From what I've seen of senior living, that last decade or two doesn't look like very much fun to me. But since that decision isn't ultimately up to me, I'm planning to do the best I can with whatever time is allotted me here on this azure orb, and then I'm outta here, on my way to bigger and better things!

So, gentle readers, what do you think should be the next soundtrack-of-my-life song when I reach that milestone? How about "Knockin' on Heaven's Door" or maybe "Learning to Fly"? Any other suggestions?